So my ‘third time lucky’ wasnt mean to be. I enjoyed it for about 6 whole days then my period came 3 days late….. I had read about Chemical Pregnancy as I’m a google-aholic and research anything and everything way too much so knew what it was as soon as the line started to look fainter on the tests. I was heartbroken and I’m still trying to get my head around it. I just really don’t get it!! I can get pregnant, really easily it seems as the 3 times I have wanted to get pregnant I have done so on the first time I’ve ovulated but I just can’t seem to keep the babies inside! It just absolutely sucks. I’m just really glad we hadn’t told anyone as yet again I would have let all my family and friends down. I even wish I hadn’t told the hubs, I feel like such a failure to him. It’s just made me want it, really really bad. I had just about given up on the idea of having another baby and was almost going through the motions for the hubs and Cart but this loss has made me realise I do want it. I just seem to see so many babies around me, everyone keeps getting pregnant at the drop of the hat and popping out a perfect 7/8lb baby. Those especially that ‘weren’t even trying’ grrrr. I know they can’t help it but the anger and frustration just absolutely eats me alive. I would kill for a healthy term newborn, to smell its head and feel that sense of pride when everyone comes round to see it and congratulate me on what my body has done and grown. It wasn’t the same introducing my friends and family to Carter who was the size of a hand, his eyes fused shut, so many wires on him that you can barely see his skin, laying in a plastic box on life support. Not really the same thing is it??
I’m trying to move forward though, it’s not Carter or the hub’s problem, its my shit body so I’m trying my best to look forward, keep happy and positive and pretend I’m ok. Just hoping this will finally be my month…….