So I’ve literally just found out I’m pregnant..my feelings??? Scared, sick, terrified, happy, angry..the list goes on. I hate myself for having that sinking feeling when the 2 lines appeared, this is a very wanted pregnancy and very wanted baby but I cant hide my anxiety over it. My first pregnancy resulted in my gorgeous son but that was a nightmare that we are still living, he was born 15 weeks early at 1lb 4oz and had to be delivered to save my life due to severe pre-ecclampsia and HELLP syndrome. My second pregnancy, which took me nearly 2 years to build up the confidence to try again, ended in a pregnancy of unknown location. I stuck it out, and was lucky that my persevering with expectant management worked and I didn’t have surgery or the metho shot but it has been nearly 3 months of hell waiting for the HCG hormone to drop.
So….. third time lucky?? I cannot even begin to describe my want of a beautiful newborn… or to feel so big and pregnant that I can’t possibly get any bigger… to say goodbye to work friends on mat leave… to feel labour… to see my husbands proud face because I’ve been able to provide him with a healthy baby… to have him bring an empty car seat to the hospital with balloons and flowers…. I just want that experience that you think your going to get when those 2 lines come up on a pregnancy test. I don’t think I’ll ever get those because of my chances of having a premature baby again and now my chances of a PUL again as well but we’ll see. I really hope this baby sticks…. I really cant do this again. If this is to end again, I need to be thankful that I have Carter, that he is happy and thriving and that I’m alive as well, it could have all been so different. I just want to put it all to bed and forget about it. I thought the second pregnancy would ‘cure me’. How wrong I was….. its just made it even worse this time round. There will be no feeling of care free wonderment, of knowing I’m growing a baby like there was with Carter. I just hope it sticks, I really really do. I have slammed this year, I’ve slammed karma… I just really hope this is my reward for hurting like I have, I need this baby so much. Please.